What Next?

Coming back from weekends at the coast always cause a little bit of "where is our life going?" melancholy. Specially after this weekend. Friday we had dinner with a friend who has his life fairly mapped out. He kept asking legitimate questions about what we're doing and we kept saying "We don't know" or "There is this option or this option" or "if we go this route we'll choose this". Life is in a little bit of a limbo.

I feel this pressure inside my self to pick a direction already! Which I've noticed before in groups of people where 30 minutes are spent discussing options and i'm thinking "pick something already, they're all good!". Which is exactly what i'm feeling about our options on the table. Lets pick something already and if we don't like it we'll switch to another one, we can't pick a choice that would be the end of the world. Or you know, if the end of the world does happen i'm cool about dying and not having to make any more decisions.

Therapy After Therapy

Saturday afternoon i had my first appointment with a counselor. I'm at a point now where I don't think i can pull my self up by my own boot straps and a little outside help would be good. This is not my first experience with a therapist. I had 2 between the ages of 18 & 20. I had 2 session with a woman in July, did not work out because of insurance and i could not afford her out of pocket or out-of-network or really, i don't think we were a good match.

Unfortunately I don't think i'm a good match with the woman i met on Saturday either. When i have to call both of my sisters to rant about how she got on her soap box about a particular issue which was a side subject and not the main reason i was there. That i'm actually angry, feel belittled, and not just a touch manipulated by the counselor instead of feeling encouraged that this is a woman who can help me through a struggle. I don't think this a good sign. Still, I dread canceling our second appointment scheduled for this coming Saturday. Both my sisters immediately said not to go back and that i don't have to have any since of commitment to her. And i keep reminding my self that giving people a second chance after they've pissed me off once is how i'm in the situation i'm now in.

At the same time, i'm discouraged, it's a lot of freakin' paper work to meet with someone and then in the first hour boil down the problem to 10 min. of an explanation and be able to articulate exactly why i'm there when the only really good answer is that i can't sit on the couch numbing my feelings with ice cream forever.

Another thing on my mind is that I HAVE TO figure out something to do after a counseling session. Usually, i'm tired, sad and a little weepy after that hour. My default is to of course go get a good girly movie and some chocolate and then waste the rest of my evening. I just don't see how the wallowing can be constructive anymore. I'll need to find something nice for my self to do to transition between the session and life.

Desire

I'm lusting after a vacant suite in the building I work in. One day couple of weeks ago I walked to another part of the building, to get to a balcony that has a wonderful view of hills that at the time were dusted with snow, perfect for a photo. The suites have an odd feature here of big windows cut into the walls that face the hallway, maybe psychologically it helps the rooms feel bigger. Anyway this particular suite is along the outside wall so it also has real windows that give it light and a view of trees and sky and if you look down a building.

That particular day it caught my attention with all it's light. "Oh, how nice!" i said to my self and then immediately started day dreaming about it becoming my space. A studio of my very own. The space is not very big 8x16 or 24 feet - it's long but narrow. I could image an over stuffed chair with an ottoman. Table for carving blocks on. Walls to hang inspiration on.

I haven't moved a muscle in finding out if it's even really available. There is a sign that says they rent studio space for artist, there are other artist and a variety of business in the building. The sign says they start at $200 a month and considering the size i can't image it being much more. Today I'll at least take the step to write down the contact's number but really i wish there was an email address, email seems easier.

There are some questions:
- Would i mind having my studio in the same building i work in?
- How do i balance time in the studio with time with my husband? Not that this isn't already a question just for every day living.
- There is the cost of running the net to the room {maybe i don't need it? i shudder at the thought...}
- It's currently annoyingly far enough away from home to make it inconvenient to come on the weekend. I hope this can be remedied by moving closer. Supposedly we have a goal of moving in March but frankly we haven't made a lot of strides in that direction.

But oh my, to just have a space where i can control the noise, how wonderful is that thought!

2008 Recap - 2009 Goals/Dreams/Ambitions

I'm not interested in recapping the year in detail. Frankly, it was a hard year and i'm glad to see it go. I am optimistic about '09 as i am in every January about the coming year.

A list of random 2008 statistics:

77 - the approximate number of movies i rented in the year {felt like i watched more}
-- that's about 154 hours or a little over 6 days worth of movies

19 - the number of movies i watched in the theater

28 - the approximate number of books i read {i'm sure i missed documenting some but have now completely forgotten i read them}

8 - the most posts i had in a month that were not prompted by NaBloPoMo

4 - block prints carved {disappointing, should have been more}

5 - projects i completed or were apart of that were not my own personal projects

70 - approximately how many photos i uploaded to Flickr

***
My words for 2009 is conscious. I feel like most of '08 was in autopilot and reactive. A lot of the goals i set for last year i still want to work on {some are life long} and accomplish {some are completable} this year. I posted last year about wanting to say "No" to more things and this year i'm doing it. Over and over and over again last year i'd say Yes and i didn't really enjoy any project i took on. I'm putting ME first this year.

For an exercise in conscious i thought it was be interesting to try taking 1 photos everyday for a year. Plus, what a great collection at the end of it all. Of course, there is already difficulties such as, i get up in the dark, i leave work in the dark and my house has bad lighting. I've still taken photos though, even if they are yellowish or have that ugly flash glare.

I signed up for the Creative Every Day project at Leah's site. At first i wasn't because i was boycotting signing up for anything but realize that it offers something i want, a way to create an online community. Leah is doing a great job of giving the participants a place to point others to what they've been doing and when i did participate last year i noticed people actually said 'hi' to me and considering this blog and creativity can be a lonely road i chose not to close that door. She posted about keeping a creative log - i started mine in an old '07 weekly calendar that i didn't use and it's going well!

As far as my creativity goes, i want to actually complete some projects. I want to be conscious about completing my ideas. I have a back log of things i was going to post to this blog from October. For example, i was going to show before and after pictures of my haircut {i cut a lot off}. I was going to post videos of my plane taking off as inspired by another artist. I was going to post sideshows of a beach trip in Nov. I was going to post snow pictures that happened before, during and after Christmas {i'll still do that one}. Point is, the photos are doing no good just sitting on my hard drive and i want this to change.

Among other projects of 2009:
- blog regularly and with substance {not just a paragraph griping about the weather, not that this is completely prohibited}
- Block prints {get some of those images from head to paper}
- Editing photos from my move from TX to OR {i realized i could no longer beat my self up about not doing this sooner or that it was too late. The realization that most people wait decades to write memoirs and it's fine if i start this one 5 years later}.
- Scan childhood photos {i have a box full that need proper respect to be archived}

There's a lot going on this year!

Results

I ain't seein' no results people! I have come to the conclusion that food is the issue. I have had a personal trainer since Nov. and i am exactly the same weight. I know, I know, it's not the numbers it's the inches. Fine, i haven't seen any change there either, while i have not measured my self in about 3 months, my clothes are not fitting any differently. Weight training and a little cardio is not going to cut it.

I picked up the book "The Writing Diet" by Julia Cameron, the same woman who wrote the ever popular "Artist Way". I've finished the first half of the book. I could say a lot about this book so far but the point i want to make is that i've been keeping a food journal for 11 days now. Wow, do i ever let me emotions rule my eating. If i'm too tired to deal with cleaning the dishes or planning something to eat, it's fast food/take out. If i feel stressed, mad, sad or celebratory, it's all about the sugar hopefully chocolate flavored. Of course I knew this to a degree but having to write down what i eat and why i made that choice is making me much more aware.

The next step is to get past my avoidance of meal planning. I'd also like to start eating breakfast at home and not in the car. Also, i can't believe i'm saying this, I'm tired of coffee. I no longer like the Grande Vanilla Soy Lattes from Starbucks, they leave a bad taste in my mouth and make me feel heavy. I tried getting the same latte at a small coffee shop near work, this is taste better but i still get that heavy sensation. I didn't seem to mind it so much when i was making drip coffee at home but even that left a bad taste and it wasn't from a flavored creamer or a brand i didn't like. So, I'm thinking of switching to tea or it's getting closer to summer even with 3 more months of dreary rain, I might go back to drinking the protein mix with orange juice i did um, 2 (o.m.g.) summers ago.

Random things about the gym:
Does anyone else have the reaction to cry after a work out? I mean sitting in your car balling for a good 5 minutes. I have this reaction after I've had a hard weight work out i found difficult and felt wimpy after. Really, i'd prefer to start crying about 10 minutes into the session but so far i haven't. I have a young male trainer, I don't think he'd know what to do. Tonight was one of those nights. It was legs tonight and we were at the squat machine. I despise squats. The thing is, he does not even add weights to it, i'm simply resisting the weight of the machine. After about 15 of the things my legs are on fire and I want to start crying out of shear frustration of having to do 2 more sets. Then at the end i just let it all out in the car. Odd, huh?

How do some girls look so darn cute while at the gym? They have these coordinated out fits and their hair pull up but good looking. Those first few minutes i'm in the locker room of the gym I feel so frumpy, i still match in my blue capri sports pants and gray shirt but still frumpy. Once i'm actually out in the gym doing whatever, i completely forget about it but still I wish i was better at ignoring it. I am sure as heck not spending money on work out cloths. No, i'm saving that for when i drop a couple of pant sizes and need a new wardrobe.

***
Now that i've eaten my 3 little oranges and drunk a couple glasses of water, I'm off to bed.

Goals 2008

What, it's mid January?! Good thing one of my goals this year is not about being punctual.

The list of my goals is actually very long and detailed and probably boring in its entirety to anyone else. So, a quick list will appear here to give you an idea of what you might be reading about this year.

Top goals in board wording:
- Complete more personal art
- Loose the weight gained in 2007 & reach a healthy style of living
- Become a better wife (better communicator, less negative, more trusting)
- Finances - more in savings, less fear

Words for 2008:
- Fit
- Positive
- Prolific

The fun stuff about art:

• I've joined Leah at Creative Every Day in her challenge to be creative in what ever way you want in all of 2008. I think this will be a great way to stay more "in the now" and recognize that i might not be completing art on paper daily but I can do something creative daily.
• A monthly goal for art is to complete one block print a month. Now, i set this goal last year and i completed zero a month. This is changing this year. There has been a building pressure to get busy with my own art and I'm going to pay attention to that.
• A new adventure will be collaging and making Artist Trading Cards. There is the ATCards and the Monday Artday ATC, these are social groups that trades and does swap for ATCs. Now, i just need to get busy creating.
• Today I found Overlooked which is a blog about documenting the little things that are big in our lives. The first subject is coffee mugs - how could I resist?! I love mugs and coffee. I'll be posting in about a week after I scrap the page. I've read several blogs with inspirational challenges but this one got me the most excited immediately, sometimes it is all about the first impressions, lol.
• I will continue to be part of a local art group. Attending Saturday mornings to get together and draw or paint. Although, if my husband's work schedule changes i'll only go the Saturdays he's working that way we can spend a little more time together. On a side note I'm still on the retreat committee for this group.
• There is a second art group that has formed from the first one but it's all about getting out and seeing art. It'll schedule things like going to art galleries, the symphony, a performance dance and the like. I'm not getting to involved as far as commitments for this group. It's more of if i'm available then I'll go. Except, I did agree to design a simple calendar but really things have to be decided before a calendar can be made...
• My final creative commitment is to work on a book illustration. The first Saturday of Jan was the first meeting on the goal/vision for the illustrations because it is a collaborative artist activity.
• Oh yeah... and i'm still wrapping up that freelance logo that I've been complaining over the past couple of months... yeah... I've been offered more work but a part of me just wants to run away. I still have time to make my decision.

How I'm going to do all of this in one year among the mundane things like taking care of a house and working 40 hours a week, I have no clue.

scared my self - i had updated the post date because this one was a draft. It didn't show up on my blog, it didn't show up as the last post in my "edit post" section... realized i'd typed 7 not 8!